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Copyright © 2009 Women in Journey. All Rights Reserved. Developed by: DemmeHouse, Inc.
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Living and Loving and Growing is published in Women in Journey: Live, Laugh, Love.
No part of this story may be copied or reproduced without permission from the publisher. Copyright © 2008 by InSpire, an imprint of DemmeHouse, Inc.
Writer's Bio:
Jean L. Jones is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. The mother of three
is the founder of High Pointe Counseling Center in Franklin, Tennessee. For more info, visit her website at: www.highpointe7.com
Living and Loving and Growing
by Jean L. Jones, MMFT, LMFT
Get Inspired!
Life Stories for Every Woman
Recently I revisited the work of Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, theauthor of the ground-breaking book, “On Death and Dying.” In this book she proposed the now famous, “The Five Stages of Grief.” She studied those diagnosed with terminal illnesses and also their families. From this study, she observed that they all had a tendency to go through a pattern of emotional phases. She presented this pattern as the following five stages; “denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.”
In additional studies by others, it was discovered that most people are likely to go through these stages when confronted with any loss. Loss of employment or a desired relationship, as well as an image or dream is equally devastating to many as the death of a loved one.
Basically, we have been socialized to deal with difficult and distressful situations and losses in a certain manner. There seems to be a universal mantra that shouts “get over it and move on.” Have you found “moving on” almost impossible?
Week after week and year after year, the inability to bring resolution to some life events seems to steal present and future happiness. Each time we “take a hit” in life or hear of someone else’s loss, we revisit our own store house of unresolved issues. It is so much like having a wound that heals on the surface but every time you strike it again you feel the pain.
Are you experiencing nagging feelings of unhappiness? Maybe now is the time that you are saying, “I want to rewrite my story. I want to feel comfortable in the community of serenity and joy. I want to make a change in my life.”
This is the starting point. Now you must be willing to engage in a process that will release you from the emotional pain of your loss. First, take the risk to look at your loss once again and allow yourself to truly acknowledge the pain. Now prepare yourself to get rid of the anger concerning the loss. Bargaining and depression will come next.
As you move through the stages hopefully you will learn what I, along with others, have. You will change. You will experience “transformative moments.” The transformation that occurs will change your levels of positive emotional resources. This change will allow you to appropriately bring resolution to “unfinished business.” You will exit the last stage, “acceptance” a different person than the one who entered the “denial” stage.
Your perspective will change. You will move from being self-absorbed to being able to view yourself and the human land-scape with more compassion and patience.
One word of warning, do not allow yourself to get stuck in a stage. If you discover that you are stuck, here are some suggestions. Seek out a person whom you can confide in and talk with about your difficulty. If this is not feasible for you, then begin to journal. Write down your thoughts. You may also enlist the assistance of a professional therapist.
I encourage you to engage in this pattern of phases, the “Five Stages of Grief.” In addition to being a participant, become an observer of the increase in your emotional self of love, joy, and peace. The scars of your wound may be visible, however you will cease feeling the pain.
And remember to “fear less and love more.”
“Fear is the one thing that keep us from engaging in personal work that brings about change; love casts out fear. Helping people move from places of fear to places of love is at the heart of what I do.” - Jean L. Jones
